Excerpts from a Journal, 2006


…falling in love with the wrong person. The person who was once an inspiration, the source of happy feeling.  Yet, the same person who made me hurt inside. And there were days and nights when I had to scream my feelings out.

My heart says I miss you, but my mind is telling me not to. What a fool I have become. Whew! That’s what love can do.

I can’t love you because you can’t love me back.
I can’t like you because you can’t like me back.
All I can do is care for you, because you cared for me, too.

Now, it’s time to move on.  You are happy with your life. And I’m happy for you. I can still feel the pain, but time can heal the broken heart.  I want to forget you. But how? Maybe, I won’t.

A day is a blessing just seeing you.  That kind of feeling that I can’t explain.  And I see that charming smile. The smile that caught my heart. And now, it’s difficult to let you slip off my mind.

A glimpse of you inspires me all night through. Everyday becomes an inspiration with the thought of seeing you.  You have the smile that could melt my heart.  The looks that could make me shiver. Seeing you makes me feel good. You simply complete my day.

I still get to think about you at times with your picture in my mind. Days passed and I haven’t heard from you. And it helps me to really move on with my life.

I’m at a point when my life seems to revolve around you. Every waking moment of it is spent thinking of you. Just you. I know that it’s crazy to fall for you, but I’m just human. Your presence brings colors to my life.

We’ve been through some tough times. And there were times when I have second thoughts about what we’re going through. I know I don’t have any reason to be jealous or feel bad when you can’t be with me. I just don’t understand why do I have to feel that way.

Things started to turn differently. Suddenly, it seemed there’s this wall around you and it’s hard to reach you.  You were so near, yet so far. Slowly, my feelings for you began to wane.  I can live a day without thinking of you or even talking to you. I know I’ll get over my feelings for you. Maybe not now. But I know I will.

I was fixing my bag when I noticed a folded paper in one of the pockets.  It has your number in it. Could it be a sign for me to call you? And so, I called you.  I’m always feeling good talking to you.  Said you missed me. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how I felt when you said it.  You told me about this person who was asking for your number. I showed no reaction. And you were saying I’m not concerned anymore. To be honest, I am. I missed you. But I don’t want to miss you anymore.

I’ve finally gotten over you. I find myself totally free from any thoughts that could bother me. Now, I can move on with my life without any hang ups on the emotional side.

Just like the season. Summer ends and here comes the rain. But for sure, summer is something that I’ll look forward to. I’m ready to face any challenge that’ll come my way.  Love has gone. But it’s just around. Soon, it will come. Hopefully, at the right time.

***

Now that another season has set in, a lot of familiar thoughts come to mind. And every piece of it brings a feeling of nostalgia to me.  Those were the memories of my childhood. When life was supposed to be simple. Yet, mine was already complicated.  I managed to move out of the complexities of the past, and hope that the present could be a lot simpler.  I’ll try my best to make things simple. I make my life.

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